


Problematic: Don't Let the Universe Take a Bite Out of Your Ass

by Blownwish



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: M/M, Not porn, One sided Yuuri/Yurio, Victor doesn't do dishes, Yuuri is a secret perv, Yuuri secretly perving on Yurio, attempted humor, crackish, don't touch underage Yurio, pearl clutching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 13:32:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10945536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blownwish/pseuds/Blownwish
Summary: There is a Findamental Order to everything, so you better not let Yuuri Katsuki find out you're screwing it up. He'll call the cops.





	Problematic: Don't Let the Universe Take a Bite Out of Your Ass

**Author's Note:**

> Yuuri is OOC, for reasons friends and fellow travelers will understand. 
> 
> (Please notice me sempai.)

There were certain things that bothered Yuuri Katsuki’s delicate sensibilities. He did not do messy, dirty or anything remotely close to nasty. Everything, from his neatly organized skate bag, to his perfectly made bed, was _clean and orderly_. So these dirty dishes in the sink? This mockery of sanitation and invitation to germs, mice and… _roaches?_ They were a step too far. 

He wasn't going to be angry, and he wasn't going to cry. But he was going to stand up for what was right. “Viktor, can you come here for a minute?”

“What's wrong now, Yu-u-u-ri?” Heart shaped smiles and bedroom eyes weren't going to work. Not when principles were in the line. 

Yuuri pointed. “What's this all about?”

++

If Yuuri Katsuki hated messes, it was because he believed in a fundamental order in the universe. No, not the kind where everything worked in your favor if you begged hard enough; more like the kind that bit you in the ass when you ate too many Katsudon bowls and paid more attention to your online feeds than your coach. Discipline was the only way to make sure this Fundamental Order didn't take too many bites. 

He thought Yurio understood this. The kid worked hard, really hard. Yuuri heard his ballet coach had him in the studio eight hours a day on top of Yakov’s grueling practice sessions. All that work paid off at the Grand Prix Finals, and Yuuri would've been (almost) happy about winning silver to Yurio’s gold, if that little incident didn't happen. 

That little… Madness incident. 

The way he simpered! The way he bent his lithe, flexible body on the ice! And the way his shirt rode up! No! Just - _no!_ It was inappropriate for an adult, for sure, but downright _obscene_ for a fifteen year old child! 

“Who the hell out those ideas in his head?” Yuuri wanted answers and he wanted them, now. 

Viktor, in typical Viktor mode, just laughed as he pointed to _him_. “I think he made a new friend.” 

“Otabek Altin.” Yuuri narrowed his eyes. “He's responsible for this.”

Everything ends up online, including what Yurio was up to, the day before their Short Program. As it turned out, Mr Hero of Kazakhstan drove this fifteen year old _child_ around in a _murdercycle_ , and took him out on a ‘tea date.’ That explained why those two were in that restaurant together! Yuuri was fuming when he saw Altin’s stats. The guy was nearly nineteen. _Nineteen_. 

What did a nineteen year old want with a mere fifteen year old, underaged kid? What would _anyone?_ Only one thing. Just one thing. 

“I'm going to call the cops.”

The only way, the absolute only way Viktor was able to keep that from happening was to kiss Yuuri’s silver medal (finally) and promise he would do everything in his power to keep a close eye on Yurio. “We are moving to St Petersburg, anyway.” Viktor wiggled closer in Yuuri’s bed. 

“Fine.” Yuuri glared at the ceiling, imagining Otabek being formally charged with child molestation, as Viktor beamed. He could let that be a fantasy - for now. “Let's take a shower and switch to your bed. The sheets are nasty.”

There would be no more _Madness_ , not if Yuuri could help it. 

Not that it mattered. Once they were at the World’s, JJ LeRoy decided he wanted to get chummy with Yurio. Yes, the kid was sixteen, now. Was sixteen legal drinking age, here? No! And, _no_ , LeRoy was not going to slide Yurio glasses of champagne at the banquet. Yuuri knew perfectly wel what alcohol did, and he was not going to let LeRoy get his precious young friend in that kind of state, to do who-knows-what with him. No way!

“Just what do you think you're doing, LeRoy?”

He was so smug! “Just giving the princess a little consolation prize for winning the bronze. Why, you want some, too?” _Some_ was obviously not champagne in LeRoy’s world. Obviously. Because no one was thinking of champagne when Yurio was sauntering around in slacks that showed his ass like that. Shame on LeRoy! Shame!

“I'm calling the police!”

This time Viktor had to promise they were getting married right away, even though Yuuri placed silver to that French Canadian date rapist’s gold, in order to keep him from following through. 

“And he's going to live with us!” Yuuri slammed his fist into the mattress. “I'm not convinced that Yakov and Lilia are keeping good eye on him. They did absolutely nothing while LeRoy was about to... to... He might still be in contact with Altin for all we know, too!”

Viktor promised, which made Yuuri think he was coming around to respect the need for Fundamental Order, too. 

But he didn't. As soon as they got back to St Petersburg and moved Yurio into their respectably married, stable environment, Viktor actually allowed that Swiss pervert, Christophe, to come into their home for an entire weekend. 

This was the worst weekend of Yuuri’s life. 

The man was not just a pervert. He was a nudist. _A nudist!_ He actually put his bare ass down on Yuuri’s sanitized sofas - and even cuddled with Makkachin that way! Yuuri didn't spend an hour a day brushing that dog out, then wiping poodle butt and paws, so that man could practice bestiality and infect that poor animal with his ‘cuddles!’

And the worst part? Yurio saw everything. _Everything!_ Then he tried to walk around in his shorts, too. That was… was… no! No one was going to look at that boy’s body. So what if he was ridiculously tone and firm and - oh, dear god, he still had those abs! Just like when they were in the hot springs together…! And Giacometti even looked at him, _two times!_

No! This was wrong!

“See? _See?!_ He's a bad influence, Viktor! I'm going to call the police!”

“Light of my life, my love, my soul…” Viktor tried to kiss it away. “Calm down. It's just Chris. He's harmless.”

“Oh, yeah?” Yuuri made it clear: it was this ‘harmless’ pervert or him (and Yurio). Viktor could decide. One hour later Chris was in an Uber to the airport and Yurio was wearing a shirt and pair of pants. 

“Who are you texting?” Yuuri tried to peek at his screen. “Better not be that guy…”

“Online school, Instagram, go away.”

++

So that was last night. Yuuri thought it went well. Fundamental Order was reestablished, boundaries set, and the universe was not going to bite anyone in the ass. Except it might, since a certain someone left dishes in the sink. 

Yuuri pointed. “These are yours.”

“Maybe. Maybe they're Yurio’s.”

A voice called out from the living room. “I'm not a slob! I did my dishes, Old Man!” 

Yuuri put his hands on his hips. “No dishes, no sex.”

“What if I can get them done?” He was smiling too much. 

“Then, yes, of course. You can… have sex.”

Way, way too much. “Yurio, come and do the dishes, please?”

Yuuri watched, with much disgust directed toward Viktor, as the kid’s lithe, flexible self came in to declare: “My god, Old Man! What's wrong with you? Too precious for a little scrubbing?” Not that Yuuri noticed how lithe or flexible he was. Ever. He was fifteen, after all. 

“Do it, Yurio…” Yuuri didn't have to here the ‘or else.’ It was there. 

Yurio was scrubbing, cursing and snorting as the plate and cup were washed in mere moments. It was spectacular! Yuuri was so impressed, he wanted to grab him up and twirl him around until his pretty face smiled back down at him and then hug, hug, hug that tight, flexible body (which he only noticed, being a professional skater and all). He got it! Yurio understood! 

“Hey, Piggie. Why are you leaning toward me like that with a weird look on your face?” Yurio stepped back with a leer. “What are you? Some kind of pervert?”

Wait. What? “N-n-n-no! You got it all wrong!”

Viktor cleared his throat and lead Yuuri away. “Come on, Yu-u-u-uri. Time to do your part of the bargain.”

“I always knew you were a secret pervert, Katsudon! Disgusting pig!”


End file.
